Resident Yoshi
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Sometimes other beings experience horror through different means than us humans. Delve deep into the Yoshi psyche and learn exactly what can chill a little green dino to its core.


It was a really hot day outside and Joe Yoshi was sweating up a storm. The good news though was that Joe Yoshi had just struck gold. Joe Yoshi won the weekly lotto and was on his way to claim his delicious prize. The prize was a huge buffet of delectable fruity treats that any Yoshi lad or lass would absolute love to scarf down. He could already taste it!

Joe Yoshi arrived at the building that housed the table full of treats. He smiled when he saw all his friends there to greet him.

"Heya, Joe! How goes it?" smiled Brick Yoshi. He was red.

"We're so excited you came to claim your fortune!" said Bucky Yoshi. He was dark blue.

"Eat up, boyo! You deserve it!" cheered Moe Yoshi. He was light blue.

Joe Yoshi was very excited. "Friends, this is most excellent!" he burst out. "I'm so glad today! When shall we begin this luscious feast?"

"Very shortly," said Brick Yoshi. "Take a seat with the others and I'll grab the glasses for the fruit juice." With that, he left to grab the vessels that would hold the tangy substance.

Moe Yoshi sat up close to Joe Yoshi and whispered. "You're one of a kind, bruh!"

"Thank you!" laughed Joe Yoshi. He was so eager to lick up the pleasant array of snack before them all. "There's just one prob I have, homedawgs."

"What's the sitch?" kimmed Bucky Yoshi.

"Where are our forks and spoons?"

"There are none," said Moe Yoshi.

Brick Yoshi finally arrived with the glasses and proceeded to pour the fruit juice into each for the four friends.

"Yo, do any of you guys feel like we should eat a little more… I dunno… hygienic?" muttered Joe Yoshi.

"Whatever for, bro!" laughed Brick Yoshi.

With that, they clanged their glasses together and recited the Anthem of Yoshi Island. They then took one big slurp of everything in front of them. They all darted their tongues out in unison.

This is when it happened, kid…

Joe recalled his tongue back to his mouth, but there was a peculiar refusal. He looked up to see that his tongue had accidentally entangled with the other three tongues belonging to each respective Yoshi. Joe screamed for a second. He then ran out of his seat and into the kitchen. The other Yoshis were carried with him. He felt the dragging of his three friends as he went. His sprint was cut short when the three worked together to quell the madness momentarily.

When Joe's chaotic advancement was halted, he had tripped and fallen on his face. He quickly returned to his hands and knees and sat up with his back to the wall. He faced his three friends who all had joined him in a knotted predicament.

"Well, this is a fine mess!" remarked Joe. He had a slight lisp due to the issue at hand.

The other three did not respond. They just stood there looking at Yoshi in a strange way. Joe felt slightly uncomfortable. He called out each of them by name. There was still no response coming from them. They just stared blankly like a bunch of moronic idiots.

Joe returned to his feet and walked up close to the three. He clasped his hand upon Brick's right shoulder and said his name again. There was still no response and the red Yoshi just seemed to refuse to look away from his gaze. He turned his head to face the other two. Both Bucky and Moe were fixated on him as well. There gaze was getting eerie. Joe considered slapping them upside their big honking noses, but decided against such violence due to the brothership surrounding them.

All of a sudden, Moe turned to Bucky and said: "Yo homes, Yoshi Spinners is sick like a wick, slick!"

Bucky nodded in agreement.

Now Joe was certain that something awful had happened ever since the incident. Everyone on the island knew that of all people, Moe Yoshi held the most hatred for Yoshi Spinners. It was an accursed object he would not even wish upon his worst enemy.

Joe gave up on trying to communicate with them for now. They had obviously become more idiotic that a turkey setting Atlantis on fire. He looked down at the knot holding them together. This was most definitely a core part of the awkward silence abounding the moment. Touching your tongue with your hand is bad enough, but Joe had to actually get a hold of the other three in order to make any headway. He gripped his tongue and then reluctantly took a strong hold of Brick's. He pulled the two, but nothing happened.

He examined the knot in his hand for a minute. He tried a sticking a finger between the organic ball of yarn in order to extract the source. It was difficult though. The knot was super tight and unrelenting in almost all areas. He eventually found someplace in which to insert his right index finger and he tried to wedge the knot out like he was dealing with a gnarly assortment of thin branches.

Unfortunately, as Joe tried his hardest to pry out the annoying mass, he ran into an even bigger problem. His finger got stuck. He freaked out again and was feeling incredibly anxious about the whole ordeal. This would not look good in public so he really hoped he could resolve this issue himself. It was bad enough that his friends were ignoring him for some bizarre reason.

Joe grabbed the source of the entanglement with his left hand and tried pulling his finger out of it. It took several minutes before he realized that the entire situation was fruitless. He growled in frustration and started beating the wad around with a series of angry punches. He tried to recall his tongue into his mouth again, but still to no avail did his wish come true.

The whole situation was making him sick. He felt his saliva dripping from his face and coating him all over. He strongly desired to close his mouth completely in order to stop drooling. Normally he was not grossed out by this kind of stuff, but things change when you see your three best friends just standing there with a deluge of the such spilling out from their open maws. It was leaking over their jaws as it pooled up in the lower area. It was apparent that in their sudden evolution from Yoshi to stupid statue that they forgot how to swallow. The floor was wet with the substance and was making Joe feel quite uncomfortable. He had to hurry and untie the mess or else he and his good pals would drown in their self-made flood. He sighed and took another go at trying to relinquish his finger at the very least. He pulled and pulled, but still nothing beneficial came out of his trying times.

"Dartmouth…" Joe said to himself in disgust. He smacked the wad again and sat back on the ground, his arm still raised to compensate for his finger's new entrapment. He looked back up at the three Yoshi's before him. They were focused intently on him with eyes each like an amazed child who just discovered an extraordinary shiny pebble. "What is your deal, guys?" He stood up again and they continued to stare at him. "Wake up and help me!"

They refused to comply once again. These guys were practically dumber than Chris Thorndyke on a reality show. Joe tried again to pull his finger out of the wad. Suddenly a red hand went over Joe's trapped one. It was Brick's hand. Then the two hands in shades of blue lightly drifted onto Brick's as well as his. They all held tight onto Joe. Joe did not know what to think now. He just wondered why his friends had finally decided to move.

"Joe," said Brick with a quiet tone. "Why'd you have to do that?"

"It was you guys who did it! You said you didn't care about hygienic nonsense!" replied Joe. As he returned their gaze, he noticed for the first time that they had undergone another change. Each of the Yoshi's eyes were closed. They opened all six one by one from left to right. They had gone into some weird trance state and had all of a sudden become the stupidest beings in history.

Joe took a step back and the other three took a step forward. Joe was getting really confused now and was also starting to get pretty scared that he had awakened some ancient Yoshi zombie gene through tongue knottage. He had never seen this kind of behavior from anyone before though. He knew that some Yoshi's got their tongues tangled when they were fighting in the wars of old, but he had never heard of such an event turning your friends into total freaks.

"What is wrong with your eyes?" Joe finally said quietly. He felt his own drool seep over the side of his face and drop onto his shoe. He groaned in disgust and wanted desperately to sock Brick in the fat old snoz.

"Why'd you have to do that?" Brick repeated in his ghastly tone. He placed his other hand on Joe's tongue.

"I asked you first, sludgeball!" announced Joe with feigned courage. "Do you have any idea how gross this is? Let's just see a doctor or something."

"It's gonna be so hard usin' the loo now, Joe," Bucky finally said, with the most monotone series of sounds. "I'd be elated to hear your explanation."

"Like I said, I asked you guys first and you keep refusing to talk to me. Maybe if you answer my questions, I'll move onto figuring out yours."

Moe released his hand from atop Bucky's. Bucky repeated this motion as he released Brick's. Brick completed the cycle by removing his hand from Joe's. Joe looked down and saw that his finger had actually been rescued from the knot.

"Oh… thanks?" Joe said nervously.

Brick put his other hand on Joe's tongue and started to pull. "BTDubs, we gotta borrow something…" he said.

"WHAT!?" Joe wailed angrily. He reared back to punch the three square in each of their craniums with one fell swoop.

"Give us this," said Bucky as he placed his hands around Joe's tongue too. Moe shortly followed.

"That is my tongue, dudes… why would you want that?"

The three looked down at the tongue and gave a few quick tugs. The tongue popped out of Joe's mouth (it didn't hurt Joe). The three held the tongue in their hands and examined their newly acquired item. They had just freed it from its host and it now belonged to them. They each returned their tongues to their mouths and ended up nose to nose. As they departed from this stance, they pulled out Joe's tongue from the wad good as new. They now had their tongues back in their mouths and Joe's tongue was in their possession. They held the tongue in their hands and drooled some more onto the ground, still refusing to swallow because they were still the biggest imbeciles in history.

Joe watched in horror as they took his tongue and sat on it like a magikoopa would a broomstick. They finally turned their faces away from him. He called out for them once more to wait so they could answer his questions. The three turned their heads in unison. They started exhaling the most harmonic belch of all time. Joe recognized the tune as an acapella rendition of Oingo Boingo's "We Close Our Eyes". They then started to mysteriously levitate off the ground. They flew out the window whilst riding the tongue. Joe was now left alone in the room, tongueless and friendless.

Joe slowly made his way in the kitchen and searched the refrigerator. He found some eggs and prepared them to join his side. He was not going to let whatever was going down control his life.

He suddenly heard a noise from behind him. He could have sworn the source came from the kitchen's sink. He waltzed over to take a quick peek. He saw that there was still water in the sink and soap suds obscured his view of the bottom. He did not know why, but he just had to know what was in the sink. He stuck a hand in and felt around for any sign of objects that could have caused the noise. There seemed to be something peculiar down there. He pulled out the object and it was a little Goomba wearing a diving helmet.

"This world is fleeting!" cried the Goomba in a muffled voice due to his filtered encasement. "I'm diggin' fer GOLD!"

Joe frowned at the continuity of the idiotic blunders he had stooped upon today and tossed the freaky loser out the window. He then exited the kitchen. Now was the time to reclaim his precious tasting organ from his three doofy friends. Suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned and saw a yellow Yoshi with a tightened fist.

"Welcome to the family, son," said the yellow Yoshi as he delivered a powerful blow to his head. Joe fell to the floor and fell into unconsciousness. The last thing he saw was the green shoes that belonged to newcomer. They paced in front of his face as the sound of dinosaur laughter accompanied Joe's final recollections.

… … … … … …

Joe Yoshi woke up from a deep sleep several weeks later in Dr. Luigi's hospital. It is still a mystery as to what actually transpired during his fateful encounter with the yellow Yoshi. He still does not have a tongue and it is unclear as to how he actually lost it save for the strange reports that I have recorded. A lot of folks say he's gone absolutely bananas, but I believe him. Perhaps the whole incident was out of a sense of guilt, or maybe it all really did happen. Either way, one thing is for certain: Han shot first.


End file.
